hashi

Sophie la girafe

廣之おじさんのこと

伯父さんは、廣之おじさんは、奥沢の線路沿いにある
陽の当たらない小さなアパートの台所の床で、冷たくなっていた
おまわりさんが駆けつけて来るまでの間、マイクと抱き合って
声を上げて泣いた
目の前で起きていることが信じられなかった
この目に映るもの全てを、信じたくなかった

その夜お父さんが東京へ来て、警察で遺体を確認した
変わり果てたおじさんの姿に、動揺を隠せないでいた
私はそれを見て、陰でまた何度も泣いた

次の日、お父さんと一緒におじさんの部屋を整理した
買い物をしたレシートを見てみると
イチゴ、とあった
おじさんは苺が好きだったのだろうか
明日、棺に入れてあげようか
私はおじさんの事をまったく知らない

おじさんの携帯電話の電話帳には
ひらがなで名前が二つ、登録されてあった

いしくら　たきお
いしくら　ゆきひさ

二年前に亡くなったもう一人の叔父さんとお父さんの名前
おじさんからすると、ふたりの弟だ
おじさんは結婚したことがなかったし
友達もいなかった
おじさんの小さな世界には、頼れる人はお父さんしかいなかった

私はおじさんの存在すらもよく知らずに育ち
よく知ろうともしなかった
こんなに近くに住んでいたのに
一度も会いに行かなかった
会おうと思えばいつでも行けたのに
でももう遅い
おじさんは寒い冬の夜
ひとりで逝ってしまった

警察のひとが検視をしているあいだ
私はマイクと等々力渓谷に行った
おじさんが好んで散歩をしたコースらしい
そこを歩いて、等々力不動のベンチで
マイクは疲れた、と横になった

私は膝枕をしてやりながら
彼の首筋のぬくもりを確かめていた
さっき触ったおじさんの頬は
まるで氷のようにひんやり冷たく硬かった

生きているということは
それだけで本当に尊いことで
毎日誰かがどこかで命を落とし
それでも世界は動き続ける

今週末には東京でも桜が満開になるだろう
おじさん、もう少しで桜が見られたのに

悔やんでも悔やみきれない
春の冷たい雨の降る、三月最後の木曜日

New Year's Resolutions 2014 今年の抱負

"What's your new year's resolution?" I asked Mike. "I don't have one. I never do" said Mike. Let me boast just a tad. I always have new year's resolutions ever since I was little, and I usually remember what I promised to myself and manage to accomplish whatever I decided to do by the end of the year. Having said that, my new year's resolutions are never anything big; they are fairly doable things, like "be more kind to people or "write letters more often." Last year's were, "finish writing master's thesis&graduate", "cook&run more often", and I successfully accomplished these things (though it isn't really clear just how often is 'more often', and it was completely based on my own arbitrary ideas and judgment:) After all, they are "my" new year's resolutions!  

It's been 10 days since the year 2014 kicked off, and I thought it's about time to come up with my new year's resolutions for this year (some old, some new):

• Improve my posture (new)
• Go to the dentist regularly (new)
• Respond to letters/emails quicker (new)
• Run more often (continued from previous years)
• Cook more often (continued from previous years)
• Write more often (continued from previous years)
• Be kind (always been on my list)

1. Improve my posture (new)（姿勢を正す）

I've been having a back pain for a while now. The left side of my lower back hurts and the pain goes down into my leg. It's not usually a severe pain, but some days are bad. These last few years I was in grad school located in the middle of nowhere, where the weather was gloomy 90% of the time, all I did was camping out inside the library and studying. I spent a massive amount of time sitting at the desk, reading and writing, and it was hard on my back. To make it worse, I wasn't just sitting; I was sitting with slouched shoulders for hours. Last year I came across some books about posture and all said that a slouch is the root cause for many health problems. Improving posture has its positive (both physical and mental) outcomes, and I decided to make it my top priority this year to try it out. I don't usually slouch when I'm standing up or walking (well, I used to, when I was younger and wasn't particularly proud of being too tall), but I still slouch when I am on the computer for instance. Of course I still need to find a good chiropractor to have my back checked soon though.

2. Go to the dentist regularly (new)（歯を大切に）

I lived in the U.S. the last 3 years, and my school health insurance didn't have a dental coverage. When I lived in Kentucky (circa 2003-2009), the insurance from my company had a dental, but student insurance normally doesn't come with dental, and just in case you didn't know, the dentist visits could cost you fortune in the States. So, I didn't go to the dentist for 3 years and my teeth need some work. Nothing major, but some fillings need to be replaced and some coffee stain must go. Recently, I found a good dentist just 2 blocks from my apartment and have gone there twice now. I just need to commit myself, keep going there until my teeth get fixed and also remind myself to go for teeth cleaning every now and then. 

3. Respond to letters/emails quicker (new)（返事は早めに）

I've been really bad at replying in a timely manner; whether they're emails, texts, facebook messages/posts or letters. I don't just respond to them late intentionally. It's not that I forget replying, either. It's just that when I write something, I want to it to be impeccable (though it's full of mistakes). Still, I want whatever I write to be meaningful and tasteful, and that takes time. While I may be sloppy in other things, I'm a perfectionist when it comes to writing. My close friends know that about me, and they understand if they don't hear back from me for a while. Actually, they keep writing to me until I finally write to them. No wonder I don't have many friends!! Ha! Anyway, I'm lucky to have those friends who don't give up on me, but those who aren't that close to me take this flaw of me utterly personally. If I don't write to them quick enough, they speculate and decide that I'm somehow mad at them. That's not good to confused them, and it's not their fault. So, I will try my best to respond in a swift manner, not to lose more friends! :)

4. Run more often（走る）

This is a continued item from the year 2012; that is when I started running regularly and experienced so-called "runner's high" for the first time. I had a running mate (Chris) at Purdue and I was even using the running app called "RunKeeper." Chris and I used to run around the campus in the evening 2-3 days a week in the summer and the fall, but we quit meeting when it got cold. So it made an appearance again on to the new year's resolutions for the year 2013, and I had a new running mate, Mike (aka my husband.) In the summer, we ran around the park, and it was in the evening but the temperature and the humidity were just too high this summer. We both sweat ridiculously a lot, so we were completely drained away after the run, and we quit running before we knew it. This year, I want to run again, even if it's once a week. I want to feel that runner's high kicking in my body again. It's a nice feeling.

5. Cook more often（料理にいそしむ）

This is also a continued item from...I don't remember when, but it's been on my new year's resolutions for several years now. It's appearing again this year, not because I didn't cook often, but I want to keep learning, trying out more new recipes to expand my "repertoire". Since I moved in with Mike last May, I started cooking daily. I actually quite enjoy cooking; especially cooking for someone other than myself. The other day I made cabbage rolls for the first time, and it was delicious! 

6. Write more often（物書きに励む）

This is another continued item from the year 2013. Last year, I posted more blog entries than any other years, and it felt good to write; whether poems or translation of poems or haiku or just writing about some random day-to-day events. Writing has always been one of my passion, and I want to become a better writer. 

7. Be kind (ひとに優しく）

My dad is a very quiet person. He hardly even opens his mouth unless he's eating something (he loves to eat!) He never told me to study or to practice piano or not to watch TV or to clean my room; it was mom's job. But there was one thing he always told me; "Be a kind woman. (優しい女性になってください）" Actually, he never said that to me in person; he always wrote that on the birthday cards for me every year, and thanks to him, quite naturally, before I want to become smart or successful or beautiful or whatnot, I would always want to be kind first. I think it's become my lifelong motto by now.    

What's your new year's resolution? Whether you have one or not, happy new year to you!!

読売新聞「養子の明日」を読んで考える

銭湯から出ると、夫がいつものように新聞を私のために確保して待っていてくれた。銭湯に置いてある新聞は読売新聞で、私がかつて読み親しんでいた毎日新聞とは違うけれど、新聞を購読していない者としては、贅沢は言っていられない。日本に帰国して早半年。銭湯に来てお風呂から出ると、待合室のソファーにどっかと座って新聞を広げ、一面から政治、国際、生活、社会面と隈無く読んでいくのが日課になりつつある。若者の新聞離れが加速している、と言われているけれど、オンラインで読める記事は限られていて、新聞でしか読めない記事や特集も多い。ネットの記事は元々分類されて選ばれたトピックを、さらに自分で選択して読み進んでいくけれど、新聞は開いた途端に否応無しに色々な記事が目に飛び込んで来る。興味のある記事を探して、ページをめくっていかなくてはならないので、ある意味最も効率の悪い読書かも知れない。でも、その過程で読むつもりのなかった記事との偶然の出会いはネットよりも新聞の方が起こりやすいように思う。そして社説なども新聞社のカラーで意見が異なるのでそれを読むのも面白い。この時代でも新聞を読むメリットは十分にあると思う。

私が読売新聞の中で好きなのは「人生案内」というコラムで、読者が抱える悩みが赤裸裸に綴られた投稿に対して、専門家がアドバイスを書くというもの。あるときは６０代の女性が、『不倫していた相手にお金を貸していたけれど、彼が最近病気で入院してしまった。でも会いに行けないしお金も返してもらえない、どうしたらいいでしょう？』とか、７０代で結婚したことも、女性とお付き合いした経験も無いという男性が、『若い頃からずっと醜い顔のことで悩んできた、やっとこの歳で好きな女性（６０代）ができた。でも顔のコンプレックスのせいでうまく話ができない、どうしたらいい？』とか。それはもう様々で、そこいらの下手な小説を読むより面白い。昨日の悩める子羊は12歳の小学生の女の子で、仲の良い友だちが自分の真似をしてイライラしている。どうしたらいいか、という相談だった。小学生なりに深く悩んでいるのだろうけれど、自分の飼っているハムスターに良く似た名前をつけて友だちもハムスターを飼い始めた、というくだりで思わず吹き出してしまった。でも、その子にとってみたら、とんでもない事件であり、真摯に受けとめてあげなければいけない。ひとそれぞれ、老いも若きも悩みは絶えないものなのだな、と思い、何故かほっこりした気分で最後の社会面に進んだのはいいが、そこで「養子の明日」という特集を読み、ひとしきり考え込んでしまった。

その記事によると、現在全国で０歳〜２歳までの孤児は約３０００人で、少子化と言われる中、前回１９９５年（１９９７年だったかも？）の記録から１.２倍に増えているという。その数字以上にびっくりしたのが、その乳孤児達の養子受け入れを希望する親の養子縁組がなかなか成り立たないという現実だ。というのは、実の親が「いつか引き取れる日が来るかも知れない」と言って養子に出すのを渋っていたり、「養子となって他の家庭で育つよりも、施設で育ってもらったほうがいい」という（自分勝手な）願いから来るものらしい。実際に不妊や病気、年齢の問題で子供が望めない夫婦が孤児院に養子縁組を希望しても、断られるケースのほうが多いというのだ。私は愕然としてしまった。その特集は養母に育てられたという、下の男性の言葉で締めくくられていた。

『一つ屋根の下で暮らし、喜怒哀楽を共にすれば、本当の親子になれる。一人でも多くの子が家庭的な環境で暮らせる世の中になってほしい』

—読売新聞 朝刊 社会面 2013.12.15 「養子の明日」より

日本では「養子縁組」というと、婿養子のほうがまだ一般的で、恵まれない子供を血の繋がりは関係なく家庭に迎え入れる、という養子の形態は、外国（特にアメリカなど）と比較すると、まだまだ浸透していないように思う。日本にこれだけの数の孤児がいるとわかれば、是非養子に迎えたい！というアメリカ人は星の数ほどいるだろう。でも日本人の夫婦にさえこんなに厳しくしている養子縁組制度が、アメリカ人の夫婦なら易しくなるとは思えない。返って難しくなるのだろう。法律の問題なのだろうか？それとも日本人の感覚というか、血縁関係に重きを置く文化が関係しているんだろうか？簡単な問題ではないけれど、他人事にも思えない。私も結婚して夫の娘の継母になった。血の繋がりこそはないけれど、彼女のことを本当に大切に思い、新しく家族ができたことを心から嬉しく思っている。日本はこれからどんどん晩婚化が進んでいくだろうから、養子を希望する夫婦が増えていくのは確かだろう。早期の制度の見直しが必要なように思う。ここでひとつ付け加えたいのが、実際に施設で育ったという人の話を聞いたわけではないから、施設で育つ子供は皆不幸だ、と決めつけるのは間違いだろう。でも、やっぱり温かい家庭で育ったほうが、ひとは幸せなんじゃないか？と思うのは偏った考え方なんだろうか。そんなことを、新宿の銭湯の待合室で、一国を背負う大統領みたいな難しい顔をして考えていた。ふと隣に目をやると、若い男が鼻くそをほじりながら懸命に漫画のページをめくっていた。

Interview tomorrow!

Just in case you're wondering, I'm still here in Tokyo, surviving and 'swimming' every day. Since I posted "How to 'swim' in Tokyo", I have applied for three jobs. Two teaching positions that I unfortunately didn't pass and one coordinator position for which I'll have an interview tomorrow. It's not a teaching position but the job descriptions actually sound like it would perfectly fit the paths I've taken (because as a matter of fact, I really wasn't always a teacher—I have many faces and 'drawers'), and it's a job at one of the very best universities in Japan, so I would be thrilled if I can get this job. We'll see. 

This evening I went to buy a suit, because I didn't have one. I could have gone to a store to get one earlier but I heard from this university only two days ago that I passed the first screening and it wasn't until then I knew about the interview. I went to the shop where Mike got his suit the other day. People at the shop remembered me and asked me what the occasion was this time. I told them that I'll have an interview tomorrow morning. They helped me and let me try on many suits. I ended up being there for 2 hours (!) and picked this dark grayish "skinny fit" suit, which was actually the very first suit I tried on today.

Other than looking and applying for jobs, I've been almost religiously translating poems by Shuntaro Tanikawa. I feel like I'm sort of addicted to it. It feels that the day literally doesn't end until I translate a poem or two. I have received many nice comments and encouragements from my readers, and I'm planning on translating more. Tanikawa doesn't use much metaphor and his words seem simple on the surface, but the world of Tanikawa is indeed very unique, peculiar and profound, so when it comes to translating his poetry, it's very challenging. He sometimes makes up words and some of his poems are quite musical, so I find it very difficult to transfer the color and taste to another language. Especially when the poem has some rhythm in Japanese, it's almost always impossible to give the same rhythm to the English version. For example, I'm trying to translate his poem『あいしてる』and it's very rhythmic and musical in Japanese. Here is the first stanza:

あいしてるって　どういうかんじ？
ならんですわって　うっとりみつめ
あくびもくしゃみも　すてきにみえて
ぺろっとなめたく　なっちゃうかんじ  

Each line has a quadruple measure, and when you read it aloud, it's so rhythmic that naturally makes you want to nod your head. I've been doing a staring contest with this poem for two days now, trying to figure out how to make the English version as musical as the original.

The first line could be, How does it feel to be in love? or What is it like to be in love? Either would work because it has a quadruple measure, just like the original, but I haven't come up with the rhythmic translation for the second line. It will be my homework for this weekend!

So, like I said, I will have an interview tomorrow morning. I have to leave the house by 7:30am or so, I need to turn in early tonight. Before that, a hot bath sounds good to me... Night, world! Until next time... 

5歳のたんじょうび Happy Birthday, Kana

5 days after I turned 35, Kana, my niece turned 5 years old. June 16th, Sunday. Mike and I left our ryokan in Kyoto early in the morning and took a train to Omi Hachiman to join Kana's birthday party. She had decided to have a BBQ outside, had been telling everyone about it, and had obviously been looking forward to it for a long time. Her mom (my sister-in-law) is having a very difficult time with pregnancy with her second child, and for these past few months she's been either in the hospital or been in bed at home. So, it's been a tough time for Kana too, not having her mom around when she needs her. 

When Mike and I got off the train, we saw dad's Honda waiting in the rotary in front of the station to collect us. As we walked toward his car, we saw a small head popping out from the car window. Kana came along with dad and was waiving her small hand to us. I bet she insisted that she come along with dad. She was very excited to see us, and that made me happy. We got inside the car, Mike sat in front and I sat next to Kana in the back. She was smiling at me. On our way, dad stopped the car in front of the cake shop and said they should have the birthday cake ready to be picked up for us, so I was going to go inside the shop alone, but Kana wanted to go inside with me. I untied her seatbelt and once she got out of the car, she held my hand, and she didn't let go of my hand the entire time when we were at the shop. We must have naturally looked like a mom and her daughter to everyone who was at the cake shop. Though nobody probably paid a special attention to us at all, I really liked it for some reason. I really really liked feeling Kana's small hand tightly holding onto mine, as if I were the only one in the whole world that she could depend on. I enjoyed being responsible for this little girl, also being trusted and depended on by her, even though it only lasted for a little while. There was nothing like that feeling, and I'd never felt it before. Such a powerful and sweet feeling.

The day before that, Mike and I were strolling around the ancient city of Kyoto with our friends, Anne, Ann and Johanna. Anne is a tall Dutch guy who now lives in London, doing web technology related work like Mike does. Mike and Anne have known each other for a long time, and I think Mike told me that he met Anne online when Anne was about 15 years old, so to Mike, Anne is like his little brother that he's never had. Anne loves Japan and every time he visits here, Mike and I hang out with him. He's an easy going happy go lucky kind of person who is adventurous and who would try just about anything, either food or things, from natto to zazen, so easy to be pleased. Ann is an American who's working for a big and famous airplane company in the U.S., and she was attending W3C meetings in Tokyo the previous week. Johanna is Ann's niece who lives in Berlin, who speaks multiple languages, who knows how many languages, but let me try...English, Spanish, German, Italian, French, and probably Portuguese too. Both Ann and Johanna are very cool people who share so much cultural sensibility. I personally thought it was very very cool that Ann is traveling with her niece, Johanna, who is in her late 20's, because it would be so wonderful if Kana and I would be close enough that she would want to travel abroad with me when she's adult, one day. When I told Ann about my niece Kana turning 5 years old, she looked into the distance and said, "I remember when Johanna turned 5..."and smiled. It was such a gentle smile, filled with love. 

So, Kana, dad, Mike and I arrived at my brother Koji's house soon after we picked up two cakes, a green tea cake for Father's day and a strawberry cake for Kana's birthday. We had a BBQ outside, like Kana had originally planned, and after that, Kana took time to open all the presents from everyone, took a bow many times, and blow candles, twice :) We had some drama, mostly because of Kana being spoiled thus misbehaving and all, but overall, it was a good day, and when I see this photo of Kana, smiling like this, my heart melts. Kana, my sweetheart, I love you.

'real' news

So I was wrong, about mom only emailing me whenever she has news about Nene, the cat. She prove to me today that she actually does send emails with 'real' news. That 'real' news was...my sister-in-law, Kazumi is pregnant with her second child!
Here is an email from Kazumi that mom forwarded to me:

("Just came back from the doctor. I'm six weeks pregnant. I will go get the maternity book later. It's still as small as 'slime', but I could see its heartbeat on the screen. I'm happy!")

So I'll be an auntie again by this November, I suppose?
Life is good.
Real good.

Mama's report on Nene and anko

Mom emailed this evening. The subject read, "おはよう！" OK, she sounds excited about something. What's the occasion? I opened the email and found this photo of Nene, my cat, sitting on top of the small Japanese heater, looking down, pensively.

Mom said,

「大雪です。でも天気よく溶けてくれそうです。今朝ねねはなんとあんこを食べて感激しています。食パンにバターとあんこをつけて食べようとしていると２階〜降りて来たので、差しだしたらけっこう大きいのをなめて食べたよ。その後はしばらく口を動かし余韻を楽しんでいるかのようでした。」
("Heavy snow here, but the weather is nice so it will likely to melt soon. This morning, Nene ate anko (sweet red bean jam) and I am thrilled. She came downstairs when I was fixin' to eat the toast with butter and anko, so I let her try it. She licked the big chunk of anko, then she kept moving her mouth, as if she were enjoying the afterglow of the anko taste")

It made me laugh.

Mom always reports to me whenever Nene does something new, like she feels responsible for it or something. When I think of it, that's pretty much the only time I hear from mom. So, if there is no news about Nene, no news from mom either. The last time I heard from her was about Nene too, when Nene got a running nose. I just have to smile when I receive emails like that. Mom always wonders why Nene doesn't eat fish, because she'd always assumed that all the cats love fish. One time Nene ate ham and cheese and that shocked mom, but everything became crystal clear since then and now she is convinced that Nene is indeed an American cat, and that's why she doesn't eat fish. I bet some American cats love fish too, but I don't tell that to mom. She seems pretty convinced with the theory established on her own.

Anyway, it's getting late here. I gotta get up early to teach the Japanese culture class.
Until next time...

胡桃沢さんのこと

胡桃沢（くるみざわ）さんというひとがいる。実家の近所にひとり暮らしする年配の女性だ。人柄が良く、行動的で活発なので、友人も多い。わたしの両親にとても良くしてくれるひとで、自身が参加したコミュニティーカレッジを勧めてくれたお陰で、父と母は50代にして体育大学へ通い、そこで気の合う仲間にも出会えた。専業農家で、近所にも土地を沢山持っているが、3年前に旦那さんが亡くなってからは手に負えなくなり、石倉さんも農業やってみませんか、と余っていた畑を無料で貸してくれている。両親はおかげで家庭菜園という共通の趣味もできた。本当にいいひとだ、とみんなに言われるようなひとだ。

このあいだ、その畑でじゃがいもの収穫をしていたとき、 「こんなことするの初めてでしょう～？」と、胡桃沢さんが立ち寄ってくれた。私がまた渡米することも知っていて、今度はどのあたりへ行くの？と訊かれ、シカゴから2時間ほどのところです、と答えた後、私は、あ！しまった・・・と思った。

胡桃沢さんは、4年前にまだ当時30代前半だった息子さんを亡くしている。息子さんは有能なひとで、地元でトップクラスの高校を卒業後、大学に進学して、一流企業に勤めていたらしい。婚約者もいて、結婚を控えたある日、突然の心臓発作でアメリカ出張中のシカゴのホテルで帰らぬ人となった。胡桃沢さんは、その息子さんの亡がらを引き取りに、一度だけシカゴに行っている。どんなに無念だったろう。普段は気丈でニコニコしているけれど、あのことだけは、思い出しなくないだろう・・・シカゴ、という地名を意気揚々と口にしたことを本当に悔やんだ。

しかし、次の瞬間、思いがけないことが起こった。胡桃沢さんの顔が、ぱっと明るくなったのだ。「シカゴ！あ～、わたしもう一度行ってみたいんだよね、シカゴ。お線香もあげたいし。」と遠くをみて静かに微笑んだ。目を背けることなく、過去としっかり向き合いながらも、その最も辛い出来事を、もう済んだ過去のこと、として引き出しの一番奥に大切にそっとしまい、しっかりと前を向いて歩いている姿に、私は本当に頭が上がらなくなった。胡桃沢さんと一緒に掘ったじゃがいもは、まだ土の匂いの残る、あったかい田舎の味がした。

さよならなんて、言えないよ。

毎週日曜日は彼が別居している娘さんに会う日。前まではふたりで会っていたんだけど、最近その娘さんのほうから私も一緒に、と誘ってくれるようになった。ここ数カ月は、ほぼ毎週会ってディズニーシ―、水族館、映画、ハイキング、など色々と３人で楽しんできた。彼女は今中学１年生で１２歳。きっと私がどういう存在かちゃんとわかっていると思う。複雑な心境になることもあるだろうに、私に手紙やプレゼントを持ってきてくれる。人見知りがちで、あまり簡単に他人に心を開かないようなタイプの子だけど、私には初めて会った時から色々と話してくれた。それが私もすごく嬉しくて、会うたびに面白い話をしては、彼女を笑わせた。そんな彼女とも今日でしばらくの間お別れだ。パパとの貴重な時間に私を混ぜてくれてありがとう、という気持ちを伝えたくて、手紙とささやかなプレゼントを用意して、待ち合わせの上大岡で彼と待った。

午前１１時２０分。待ち合わせ時間より少し遅れて、はにかんだ笑顔で改札を抜けてきた彼女の手には大きな袋が。それを何も言わずに私に渡してきた。私もすかさず持っていた袋を渡した。無言で執り行われたそのプレゼント交換に、３人揃ってしばらくの間、笑った。

手打ちパスタのお店でランチをとって、プレゼントを開けてみた。おしゃれな雑貨屋さんの包みには、キャンドルやアロマグッツが入っていた。メッセージカードも添えられていたけど、さわりを読んだだけで涙が溢れそうになったので、慌てて閉じた。

それから私たちは映画トイストーリー３を観に行った。「さよならなんて、言えないよ。」というくだりを見ただけでもう鼻がツンツンしてしまっていたので、これはやばいな、と思っていたら案の定、終盤にさしかかる前に大泣きしてしまった。両隣から、同じく鼻をすする音がしたので、娘さんも彼も泣いていたんだと思う。主人公が大学へ進学するために家を出るシーンで、お母さんが、がらーんと片付いた部屋を目の前にして初めて、息子が本当に出て行ってしまうことを実感して、「ずっと一緒にいられたらいいのに・・・・。」と泣くシーン。本当にそうだよなぁ・・・と思った。ずっとずっと、彼とも娘さんとも一緒にいられたらいいのにって。なんでまたひとりでアメリカに行かなくちゃいけないのか？って。

帰りの電車の中は、３人とも無言だった。疲れていたのか、みなそれぞれに色々な思いにふけっていたのか、わからない。私はまだ油断すると涙が出てきそうだったので、あまり何も考えないようにして、窓の外の澄み切った空を見ていた。

さよならのとき。出てきた言葉は、ありがとう、がんばってね、また遊ぼう、だけだった。それ以上言うと泣きそうだったので、一生懸命こらえた。改札を通り抜けて娘さんが見えなくなるまで見送って、それから彼とまだ日の高い暑いホームに戻った。後ろから彼がぎゅっとするので、目をつむったら、それまでこらえていた涙が大粒になって３滴ほおをつたった。電車に乗ってから、おそるおそる私にくれたカードを開けてみた。私と過ごす時間がどんなに楽しいものだったかが、素直に綴られていた。１２歳の女の子らしい、まっすぐで、温かい言葉の連続に、また涙が止まらなくなった。