How to "swim" in Tokyo

Last week, I came across the blog by my former yoga teacher, Summer. I took her yoga class during my first semester at Purdue and loved the way she taught. She obviously had a lot of passion for yoga and that's rather normal, but what made her special was that she seemed to *genuinely* care about each of her students. A lot of yoga teachers I have had LOVE yoga of course but they tend to get carried away, forget about their students, and end up indulging themselves. Summer was different. She loved her students and really wanted them to feel good.

When I read her blog entry last week, and I realized she was also a good writer. On her latest post titled "Reflections on Transition, Pain and Gratitude", she talks about her recent transition that came with both excitement and sorrow. Her husband got his dream job as an academia, but that meant moving. So she closed all her business in Indiana and they moved across the country to a small town where they were both born. She says while she's blessed that her husband got a job he was dreaming of, she feels "a sense of groundlessness." For the first time in over 20 years, she doesn't have to get up and go to work or school. And even though she lives only 90 miles away from her family, she says, "As an extrovert I thrive on people, but I’m currently without a community."

When I read her story, I couldn't agree with her more. I completely understood what she meant by "a sense of groundless" and a feeling of being "without a community." I am in a similar situation. After graduating from Purdue in May, I came back to Japan and started living in Tokyo. And I hate to admit to you, but I am struggling. I simply don't know how to live in Tokyo. I knew how everything rolled in the U.S., but I haven't the faintest idea about how things work in my own country. Yes, laugh at me, I am a Japanese that has to get used to living in Japan. As an adventurous extrovert who went across the ocean by myself, it may seem really odd, but I haven't made a single friend in Tokyo yet.

What do I do in a situation like this? I lament and let my friends know how miserable I am. Shonna, my best friend from college has listened to my laments many times and always put me back in the right place. This time, the victim was Fabio, my online friend of 14 years whom I've never met in person but whom I somehow magically trust. He has a PhD in literature from Indiana University and now became a professor at an American university located in Rome. He is also a journalist who publishes many articles. He has listened to many of my laments in the past and he's known for giving me rather harsh but really practical advice. Whenever I'm down after some life-or-death drama happens to me, he says, "Naoko, swim!! or you will sink!!" He told me before that he doesn't like saying "life goes on" and prefers saying "swim!" instead.

So what did Fabio say to me this time? He told me to write and try to publish an article. He said I should contact a professor that I trust in the U.S. and tell them that I'm reflecting on the subject and I want to know if my reflections are interesting. He also told me to participate in seminars, conferences and keep myself busy and mentally active.

About my fear of not belonging to any community for the first time, he said, "Now you are a scholar. It's not true you are out of a community. You are now a member of graduate people. You have only to learn how to interact."

He also mentioned that I was so worried at the beginning of graduate school, but after a while I got used to it and was happy again, and he said, "There is time for changing, improving, searching and you have to find a new sense for your life."

In the course of our one hour chat or so, Fabio gave me many other advice. The first item on the To-Do list was to go get a notebook to write about my project, "How to 'swim' in Tokyo".

ある７月の夜

夕ご飯の後、お茶を淹れてくれていた彼に私は公園に行きたいと言った。
今日は夕方スーパーに買い物に行ったのを除けば外出していなかったし、夜風にあたって少し歩きたい気分だった。ちょうど新宿中央公園の広場がEvening Barという夏限定のイベント会場になっていて、屋台を乗せた軽トラが幾つか軒を並べ、人口の滝をバックにテーブルと椅子も準備されていて、仕事帰りのサラリーマンやOLが新宿の高層ビルが放つ夜景をビールを手に楽しんでいた。この広場は朝はラジオ体操の場所であり、昼間はスケボーや演劇を練習する若者が集い、そしてときにホームレスが食料の供給を受ける場所にもなる。目の前にあるビルは都庁。その先にも未だに溜息が出るくらい高いビルが幾つも並ぶ。こんな大きな街に住むのは私は初めてのことだ。高校を卒業するまではのどかな信州松本で育ち、上京してからは大学のあった世田谷区のできるだけ静かな住宅街を探して、等々力という大井町沿線の町に２年住んだ。それから渡米して10年ほどアメリカの南部や中西部で暮らしたが、どの町も大きくはなかった。

新宿中央公園には私の知る限り野良猫が３匹いて、その中で最も愛嬌があるのがメスの三毛猫「ほっこり」だ。今夜もほっこりにあげるための餌をポッケに入れて公園に行った。ほっこりは今朝ラジオ体操の時に見かけたのと同じベンチに座って、知らない男の人になでられて目を細めていた。その人が去って行った後にすかさずほっこりに餌をあげようと近づいたが、さほどお腹がすいていなかったらしく、あまり餌にも私にも関心を示そうとしなかった。

公園内の「アスレチック」をひととおり試してみた後、私達はいつもとは違う道を通ってアパートに帰ることにした。信号を渡ればすぐ、というところでポツ、ポツ、と雨が降り始めて、あっという間に大粒の雨に変わり、家に着く頃には雷混じりの豪雨になっていた。これから銭湯に行こうと話していた矢先だったので、暫くは外に出られないね、と雨でびしょぬれになった彼の髪を、エレベーターの中でそっとなでた。

その雨はどうやら通り雨だったらしく、３０分もすると小降りになっていた。雨が止むのを待ち構えていた私達は、銭湯道具をかごに入れてそれっと外に飛び出した。外に出ると近くのスナック・カラオケから出て来た5〜6人の客が輪になって何かをしきりに話し、通りを塞いでいて、私達はなかなか前に進めない。やっと気付いたその中のひとりが「ほら、邪魔だよ」と通りの真ん中にいた女性を端の方に追いやってくれた。彼は念のために持って来た傘を手に持っていたので、さっき道を塞いでいた女に傘で『こて！』とか言って突然剣道の小手をしたら面白かったよね、と私が冗談で言ったら、こてって何？と彼。私が中学の体育の授業で剣道が大好きだったことや、ユーモラスかつ技巧的な小手の極意などを話しながら、銭湯までの細い道をふたり歩いた。そんな夜だった。

"reader's high"

June came and went. July suddenly appeared out of nowhere, without notice, and I haven't the faintest idea how quickly time can pass. The weather has been beautiful despite it supposedly being the rainy season in Japan. I read three books. As soon as I finished reading "The Notebook", I started reading two books simultaneously. One is Haruki Murakami's new novel, "Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage" and the other is「怒らない禅の作法」—a book about zen. Then I moved on to a new book (essay) by Mariko Hayashi, which was too trashy to even mention the book title.

Now I'm reading "The Great Gatsby" by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Why Gatsby? Two reasons. Because I saw the movie recently and was curious how the novel was written originally. Also, I found out that it happened to be Haruki Murakami's favorite book of all time. In an essay entitled "As Translator, as Novelist," Haruki Murakami notes, "When someone asks, 'Which three books have meant the most to you?' I can answer without having to think: THE GREAT GATSBY, Dostoevsky's THE BROTHERS KARAMAZOV, and Raymond Chandler's THE LONG GOODBYE. All three have been indispensable to me (both as a reader and as a writer); yet if I were forced to select only one, I would unhesitatingly choose GATSBY. Had it not been for Fitzgerald's novel, I would not be writing the kind of literature I am today (indeed, it is possible that I would not be writing at all, although that is neither here not there)."

Anyway...why can I not stop reading lately? Am I experiencing the "reader's high"? Last fall, I experienced what seemed like the runner's high for the first time and this spring I had the writer's high after finishing up the master's thesis I'd written for 1 year. As a reader's high symptom, I feel restless unless I have new books waiting in the queue. I'm already chapter 3 of Gatsby and starting to feel anxious about the next book. I'm thinking of reading some old books by Murakami. There are still a surprising number of books by him that I haven't read yet, and his famous"Kafka on the Shore" may become my next victim.

初夏の日そして猫 Early summery day and the cats

Finishing Haruki Murakami is a job

Today I ever so reluctantly finished reading Haruki Murakami's new novel, "Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage". Why reluctantly? Not because I didn't enjoy it, but because I enjoyed it so much and I didn't want it to end. I bought it on my birthday two weeks ago and was reading itsy bitsy amount in bed every night, making sure not to read too much at a time. When I come to think of it, I never look forward to reaching the end of Murakami's books. Usually when I read a book, I can't wait to reach the end, so it's a weird feeling, but I always feel this way when reading Murakami. It's not that I don't want the end to come because I don't want the answers or secrets to be reveled and taken away from me. I never have to worry about that with Murakami. I could pretty much imagine how the ending would be. Abstract, obscure, as blurry as possible, questions remain unanswered, problems remain unsolved, and nothing on its surface changes, just like any other endings in Murakami's books. So why do I not want to finish reading Murakami's books? Because I simply enjoy reading what he has to say, sentence by sentence, word by word. Maybe it's kind of Zen, to enjoy the present moment and savor each word at a time. I like his choice of wording, utterly unrealistic and unnatural that you will have zero chance to encounter anybody conversing that way in Japan. This is why some people can't stand Murakami's books. However, his choice of unrealistic and unnatural wording and peculiar writing convention is perhaps what makes Haruki Murakami an irresistible writer. In "Wild Haruki Chase” (2008), a collection of literary reviews of Murakami works, Murakami states, “I have tried to write my novels using prose that I have constructed by first converting Japanese… into a mock foreign language in my head—that is, by clearing away the innate everydayness of language that lies in my self-consciousness” (p.30). So by "clearing away the innate everydayness", Murakami intentionally chooses to sound non-Japanese. A conversation between Tsukuru and Sara like this obviously is derived from "a mock foreign language" in his head:

「やれやれ、そんな時間が実際にあったことすら知らなかったな」「それで、誰が死んだの？」
"Whew, I didn't even know that such a time existed. So, who died?"
「誰もまだ死んじゃいない。でもどうしても今夜のうちに、君に言っておきたかったことがあったんだ」
"Nobody has died yet, but I really needed to tell you something tonight."

Though it may sound quite possible and rather natural in English, this is definitely not an everyday typical conversation that you would hear in Japan. I have never met anyone to this day who uttered 「やれやれ」"Whew" in Japanese. I think what keeps us Japanese readers float in the air of Murakami land is this dreamlike-non-everydayness that he creates for us to dive in. Once dived in, it is kind of an escape from everyday life, I suppose, or a kind of dream that we never wish to wake up from.

I wasn't particularly impressed with the title, "Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage", when the publisher first announced it. I still wasn't sure about the title or the book itself when I took it in my hand at the bookstore. Even after I bought it and brought it back home, I felt unsettled with my purchase. People around me (including my brother who's the biggest bookworm on earth) didn't seem to have bothered to read it and I hadn't heard the buzz about it on the Internet (Twitter, etc), so unlike the last time when 1Q84 was out in the world, I have to admit that my expectation was fairly low this time. "Nonetheless, it's Murakami, baby!" I needed to say to myself to get pumped up. After I studied the book cover, which is equivalently unimpressive as its title, I turned the page to Chapter 1.

It begins like this:
大学二年生の七月から、翌年の一月にかけて、多崎つくるはほとんど死ぬことだけを考えて生きていた。
From July of his second year at college to January the following year, Tsukuru Tazaki lived thinking of almost nothing but dying.

It naturally and inevitably made me think of "No Longer Human" by Osamu Dazai, which is one of my favorite books of all time, thus this very first sentence —despite all the efforts and intention to be dark and depressing—gave me a good feeling and the book suddenly began to seem promising. That feeling was right and stayed until the end. The strangely unimpressive title soon made sense too. Though the ending didn't give any clue on what I was most interesting in finding out, and left it up to the readers, it was well anticipated from the beginning, and I wasn't disappointed at all. Overall, well done, and I'd say it was way better than 1Q84. But whew, or やれやれ、letting him go and closing the door behind this dreamland was so difficult. Finishing Haruki Murakami is a job!

5歳のたんじょうび Happy Birthday, Kana

5 days after I turned 35, Kana, my niece turned 5 years old. June 16th, Sunday. Mike and I left our ryokan in Kyoto early in the morning and took a train to Omi Hachiman to join Kana's birthday party. She had decided to have a BBQ outside, had been telling everyone about it, and had obviously been looking forward to it for a long time. Her mom (my sister-in-law) is having a very difficult time with pregnancy with her second child, and for these past few months she's been either in the hospital or been in bed at home. So, it's been a tough time for Kana too, not having her mom around when she needs her. 

When Mike and I got off the train, we saw dad's Honda waiting in the rotary in front of the station to collect us. As we walked toward his car, we saw a small head popping out from the car window. Kana came along with dad and was waiving her small hand to us. I bet she insisted that she come along with dad. She was very excited to see us, and that made me happy. We got inside the car, Mike sat in front and I sat next to Kana in the back. She was smiling at me. On our way, dad stopped the car in front of the cake shop and said they should have the birthday cake ready to be picked up for us, so I was going to go inside the shop alone, but Kana wanted to go inside with me. I untied her seatbelt and once she got out of the car, she held my hand, and she didn't let go of my hand the entire time when we were at the shop. We must have naturally looked like a mom and her daughter to everyone who was at the cake shop. Though nobody probably paid a special attention to us at all, I really liked it for some reason. I really really liked feeling Kana's small hand tightly holding onto mine, as if I were the only one in the whole world that she could depend on. I enjoyed being responsible for this little girl, also being trusted and depended on by her, even though it only lasted for a little while. There was nothing like that feeling, and I'd never felt it before. Such a powerful and sweet feeling.

The day before that, Mike and I were strolling around the ancient city of Kyoto with our friends, Anne, Ann and Johanna. Anne is a tall Dutch guy who now lives in London, doing web technology related work like Mike does. Mike and Anne have known each other for a long time, and I think Mike told me that he met Anne online when Anne was about 15 years old, so to Mike, Anne is like his little brother that he's never had. Anne loves Japan and every time he visits here, Mike and I hang out with him. He's an easy going happy go lucky kind of person who is adventurous and who would try just about anything, either food or things, from natto to zazen, so easy to be pleased. Ann is an American who's working for a big and famous airplane company in the U.S., and she was attending W3C meetings in Tokyo the previous week. Johanna is Ann's niece who lives in Berlin, who speaks multiple languages, who knows how many languages, but let me try...English, Spanish, German, Italian, French, and probably Portuguese too. Both Ann and Johanna are very cool people who share so much cultural sensibility. I personally thought it was very very cool that Ann is traveling with her niece, Johanna, who is in her late 20's, because it would be so wonderful if Kana and I would be close enough that she would want to travel abroad with me when she's adult, one day. When I told Ann about my niece Kana turning 5 years old, she looked into the distance and said, "I remember when Johanna turned 5..."and smiled. It was such a gentle smile, filled with love. 

So, Kana, dad, Mike and I arrived at my brother Koji's house soon after we picked up two cakes, a green tea cake for Father's day and a strawberry cake for Kana's birthday. We had a BBQ outside, like Kana had originally planned, and after that, Kana took time to open all the presents from everyone, took a bow many times, and blow candles, twice :) We had some drama, mostly because of Kana being spoiled thus misbehaving and all, but overall, it was a good day, and when I see this photo of Kana, smiling like this, my heart melts. Kana, my sweetheart, I love you.

rainy birthday 雨の日のたんじょうび

June 11th, 2013. I turned 35 today. I woke up to the rainy sky. It's rainy season in Japan. I never particularly dislike the rain but it's the humidity that makes me feel out of air. I received several birthday wishes on my phone and gmail, read and replied to them. Messages on facebook kept chiming in but I let them be and decided to deal with them later, probably will respond tomorrow.  Mike had to leave for another W3C meeting today so after a quick breakfast (coffee, English muffin and left-over potato salad) he left the apartment and I was alone again. He's been busy with these web related meetings that are happening in Tokyo since last week. Last week I turned up to a couple of meetings and gatherings for a brief moment to say hi to my former colleagues at W3C, but I hadn't done that this week. I had a day completely for myself yesterday and I spent almost all day sleeping. It's been nice catching up on sleep which I hardly ever had time to during my grad school days.

Though it's nice kicking back and catching up on lost sleep of three years, I didn't want to spend my birthday sleeping away, so after I saw Mike off, I was careful not going back to bed. I took a hot shower and kept going. I Skyped with my mom and talked about the weekend plan in Kyoto. Kana, my niece is turning 5 on this Sunday and we're having a birthday party for her. These days she's into pink and girly clothes, so I bought her a pink dress with lots of lace and frills in the U.S. Hope she'll like it. I needed to  get some wrapping paper for that, so I decided to go to a department store at the station. Shinjuku station is 15 mins walk from here and it's a nice walk thru Shinjuku central park where there is lots of green to enjoy and stray cats to greet, but it was raining outside so I took a bus to the station today. Odakyu department store is located inside the station. It has 13 stories and lots of stores that carry everything, from kitchenware to jewels. On the 10th floor there is a good-sized stationary store where I found some pink gift bag. That was easy I thought to myself and just as I was making my way out and passing a bookstore, Haruki Murakami's new book, "Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage" came to my eyes, and I suddenly remembered that I'd been wanting to read it since it came out in April. I wasn't planning on stopping by a bookstore there, but I thought, what the heck, it's Murakami, and it's my birthday! I quickly made my way to the casher and bought it. The lady at the register asked me if I wanted a book cover and I said please. I knew I would be reading it on the bus and train and didn't want people to know what I'm reading. Some of my friends talked about this new book by Murakami when it first came out and they thought it would be such a cliche to buy it just because it's written by Murakami. They think Murakami is overrated. Personally, I don't think so, and despite all the disapprovals from critics, I still think he's a good writer and I like his books. I'm on page 65 right now, and it has kept me up until 4am. So far, so good.

After I got home, Mike sent me a message saying that I should come to Keio Mita campus during the break session of the meeting to say hi to former colleagues and old friends. It was still rainy and I felt like staying home and read my new book, but today was the last day of the W3C meetings, so I decided to make appearance, and I'm glad that I did. Mita campus of Keio University is very historical and beautiful complimented with one of the oldest buildings from Meiji era. Not to mention Keio University is one of the most prestigious universities in Japan. As I walked in, I felt noble and nostalgic. Mike came to the entrance to collect me and we walked to the lobby where people were taking a break from meetings, having coffee and sweets. I hugged several people and caught up with them, and Sir Tim Berners-Lee, the Inventor of the web came up to me to greet. He gave me kisses on both of my cheeks that put me on top of the world. We can't imagine our life without the web anymore, and he is the reason why we can instantly communicate with friends from all over the world, and I'm sure he will get a nobel prize sooner or later for his accomplishment. Regardless his fame and status, he's such a people person who is genuinely thoughtful and doesn't show an inch of arrogance.

Mike had to stay for another meeting, so I came home before him. He promised that he'd take me out to a nice dinner, so I sat on the chair next to the window, watch the rainfalls and started reading the Murakami's new book. He came home close to 8pm, exhausted. He took a quick shower and we headed out to a French restaurant nearby. The dinner was very nice, and as a birthday persent he gave me a big green bag that I fell in love with when we were strolling around Tokyu Hands last week. This bag is big enough that 3-4 Mac books would fit easily! I will post the photo later. Overall, it was a good birthday and it feels good to be 35 years old. I'm grateful that I was able to add one more year to my life, healthy, fulfilled with dreams and hopes.